Happily Ever After:
What Makes Relationships Work
By Edel Jarboe

A popular conclusion to fairy tales is the phrase "And they
lived happily ever after." But does happily ever after really
exist? Let's get the stars out of our eyes. If you are lucky
enough to have found someone to love and who loves you back,
you should know that this thing called love is a lot of work.
We all have a tendency to take things for granted and to fall
back into old habits and love is no exception. We have all
stumbled across the following "secrets" to a long-lasting
relationship at one time or another, but it is important to be
reminded of them just the same. Are you using the following
principles in your relationship?

1. Having Mutual Trust And Respect For Each Other
Be each other's best friend. Be there for each other and treat
each other with kindness, consideration, and respect. Be
willing to apologize if you have hurt one another in some way.
Let each other know how important you are to each other

2. Making Sure You Share Common Values
Are you playing on the same team? Do you and your mate want the
same things out of life? Are you in agreement on how to go
about getting these things? Talk to each other about your hopes
and dreams. Share your worries and fears. Work together to
overcome obstacles.

3. Practicing Give and Take
Avoid resentment and power struggles in your relationship by
being open and honest with each other about your respective
needs and wishes. Practice the fine art of compromise.

4. Working Together as a Team
A successful relationship is egalitarian- where no one partner
is better than the other, there are no control issues, etc.
Rather, an equal partnership is where you recognize each
other's strengths and weaknesses and work together as a team.
It is the acceptance of each other for who you are, as you are.

5. Being Playful And Having Fun Together
Shared interests and hobbies such as travel, gardening, or
hiking alleviate boredom and is the glue that holds a
relationship together. Even folding the laundry together can be
fun - it's all in your attitude.

6. Laughing Together Often
Laughter is a great coping strategy when things get tough
because it relieves tension. Your ability to laugh together as
a couple allows you to bond over shared experiences - both good
and bad. It also reinforces your enjoyment of each other.

7. Communicating Openly
If the sharing of household chores or child-rearing is a source
of resentment, for example, sit down and work it out. Make a
list of the chores and responsibilities and negotiate a fair
division of the things you each like to do and the not so great
chores between the two of you. If you can afford it, consider
hiring people to help you.

8. Listening Until You Hear Each Other
Avoid blanket accusations and focus on communicating how your
partner's behavior makes you feel. Instead of saying "You
always," say "I feel." This ensures that your message will be
heard and keeps the lines of communication open. Your mutual
goal should be to understand each other.

9. Fighting Fair
Avoid needlessly hurting your mate with put-downs and other
spur-of-the-moment zingers. Treat your mate as your friend
first, your lover second. Just because you are in a
relationship doesn't give you the right to destroy another
person's self-esteem.

10. Keeping Romance Alive By Openly Expressing Your Love And
Affection
Tell your mate that you love them. Give them a hug for
absolutely no reason. Kiss them like you mean it - often.
Surprise each other with little gifts, weekend getaways, or
love notes in unexpected places.

11. Making Time For The Relationship
Spend at least 20 minutes together a day just talking with each
other. Make time for sex as well. Not in the mood? Too tired?
Putting the energy into this aspect of your relationship will
pay dividends in the other aspects of your relationship. Make
reaffirming your connection with each other a priority in your
lives. If you need more time together, turn off the television,
computer, or pager and let the answering machine do its job.

12. All Of The Above
And they lived happily ever after by being committed to making
the relationship work. In the absence of fairy godmothers or
any other magic, it is up to you and your mate to use the above
principles to create your own fairy tale romance.


Copyright © 2001 by Edel Jarboe. All Rights Reserved.
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About the Author: Edel Jarboe is the founder of Self Help for
Her.com (http://www.selfhelpforher.com), an online self-help
magazine helping you create your  better life. She also
publishes a free weekly newsletter, which features advice on
goal setting, stress management, coping with difficult people,
and overcoming obstacles: Subscribe
(mailto:subscribe@selfhelpforher.com) and receive a FREE stress
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