Three Key Danger Relationship Signs
By Edel Jarboe

When you enter a committed relationship, there is a period of
adjustment that can take months or even years. While you are
getting into your couple groove, be careful that you don't fall
into any of these following relationship pitfalls that can lead
to the dissolution of your love partnership. Watch out for
these danger signs in your relationship while staying focused
on building and nurturing a healthy long-term relationship
based on positive communication and of course, love.

1. Unrealistic Expectations
Expecting to change another person or to "fix' their flaws
after committing to a long-term relationship is a big no-no.
For one thing, who says they need fixing besides you? Aren't
you supposed to love your honey flaws and all? Now, for truly
reprehensible flaws - such as belching in public - go ahead and
give lessons in etiquette. But for more subtle personality
traits, ask yourself if it's worth making a big issue out of
it. We all do something that drives our loved ones nuts. So
learn to be flexible. Love is about compromise and should never
be about making another person into someone else. Moreover,
expecting to change someone else's problem (drug or alcohol
abuse, domestic violence, or criminal behavior) doesn't work
either. It is one thing to be supportive if your partner is
truly making an effort to change, but it is quite another to be
their willing accomplice. Bottom line: you cannot change
someone else. In a healthy relationship the best you can do is
compromise, and in a bad relationship, it is better to walk
away in order to preserve your dignity, health, and self-
respect.

Another example of unrealistic relationship expectations is
thinking that the other person is the solution to all your
problems. Sure, love makes the world go round but expecting
your sweetie to fix all that is wrong in your life is unfair to
them. And living through them or solely for them is not fair to
you either. You are still responsible for your life and your
self-esteem. Sure, love can help smooth out the rest of your
life, but by no means is it a cure-all. There is no getting
around it -- you are responsible for your own happiness. Love
is simply the icing on the cake.

2. Lack Of Open and Honest Communication
Depending on how busy and stressed out we are, we are all
guilty of tuning each other out from time to time. The danger
is when this becomes a relationship habit. Not listening to
each other's hopes, dreams, and fears on a regular basis can
lead to a lack of true intimacy. It is impossible to feel
connected to someone when you feel aren't there for you.

The hallmark of this pitfall is when one partner is unwilling
to discuss certain issues and they either avoid the discussion
altogether or withdraw verbally or physically. This leaves the
other partner to tiptoe around them because they are afraid of
risking anger, withdrawal, or avoidance. When the discussion is
curtailed indefinitely so is the relationship. In order for a
relationship to grow, you have to be able to talk about the
good, the bad, the ugly, and even the painful truth. In other
words, make honesty, expressing your feelings, and sharing
ideas a priority because sharing the good times and the bad
times deepens and strengthens your relationship. And you want
this to happen, right?

3. Lack of Respect
Take the woman who gives her husband the silent treatment and
withholds her affection until he gives into her demands --
whether it is canceling a trip, buying a new car, or having a
baby. This is definitely not the way to go if you want both
your sweetie's cooperation and their lasting affection on a
long-term basis. When you control your partner by constantly
harassing them, withholding your love, and issuing ultimatums
you are demonstrating that your needs and desires come before
your love for them. Who's going to stick around for this type
of treatment? In short, avoid controlling behavior in a
relationship. Just because you have pledged your love for
someone does not give you the right to run his or her life.
Even though the person pulling the strings may think they're
winning, ultimately, it is the relationship that loses out.

In the same vein, when one partner puts the other person down
or constantly second-guesses them, whether it is intentional or
not, they are chipping away at their partner's self-esteem.
When you invalidate your partner, you are effectively telling
them that they don't matter. As a result, the victim of this
type of behavior will start to cover up who they are and what
they think in order to protect his or her self-esteem. Sadly,
this is another example of a one-sided relationship where one
partner holds all the emotional cards. And this is a sure-fire
recipe for relationship disaster.

After being with someone for a while, we know what buttons to
push to make the other person feel bad about themselves. Yes,
you have this power but if you want a healthy, loving, and
lasting relationship, you will keep the door to this arsenal
securely locked. Always ask yourself how you would feel if
someone spoke to you the way you are speaking to your
significant other. Hold back on insults, put-downs, as well as
non-verbal body language that convey disgust, mockery, or
disbelief such as rolling your eyes. In other words, avoid (non)
verbally striking your mate. Instead, focus on building each
other's self-esteem, not destroying it. And when you do this,
you build a healthier, happier relationship.

Note: If you recognize any of these danger signs in your
relationship, please seek couples counseling.

 

Copyright © 2001 by Edel Jarboe. All Rights Reserved.
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About the Author: Edel Jarboe is the founder of Self Help for
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