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Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 3, 2002
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Vicious Cycle
My mother and I are in yet another silent period. Again, it is her
choice. She
is 70 and I am 48.
Mother and I were reminiscing, and the conversation to that point was
pleasant.
When I was a child, we had a caretaker with a distinctive cry for my
brothers.
I mimicked her cry, and mom and I both laughed. Suddenly, the tide
turned as if
I stabbed my mom with a knife.
It all has to do with mom's mother. She died when mom was nine, and
after this
my mom's life was tough, going from home to home never fitting in.
Her father
did not handle the death well. Mom felt he blamed her for the death
of his
wife. When I was born, mom named me after her mother.
My relationship with mom was not much better. I was a behavior
problem, tall
and overweight. At nine I was sent to live with my father, and at
11, sent to
boarding school. The birth name mom gave me was a name other
students made fun
of. I wanted to die.
One wonderful friend suggested, if it was so bad, why not get rid of the
name?
So, with much protesting from my family, I created a new identity for
myself
with a nickname. I cannot tell you what it was like not to be teased
anymore!
As a graduation present, my father allowed me to go to court and make it
my
legal name.
Thankfully 12 years ago I found a great therapist who helped me look to
the
future, but my mom never has been able to warm up to me. I am a fly
she would
like to swat and can't. Add to this all my brothers' wives are thin
college
graduates, and you get the picture.
When I said my birth name in the voice of my old caretaker, it brought all
this
back to my mom. She said, "When you changed your name, it was like
you killed
all of what I had of my mother, and I had to lose her a second time."
The name change happened 30 years ago. Part of me wants to tell mom
off. Part
of me wants to comfort her. I am sick of trying to bend myself into
something
she can deal with, yet I fear doing more damage to our relationship.
Sylvia
Sylvia, you do see the pattern, don't you? At nine your mom loses
her mother.
Then she names you after her dead mother.
When your mom sent you away at nine, she accomplished two things.
She
deliberately punished you in the way she had been punished by life, and
she got
revenge on her own mother for dying, the event she felt estranged her from
her
father.
Some people say the family is the best of institutions, and they are
right. But
the family can also be the worst of institutions. It can be the home
for
incest, beatings, insult, and ridicule.
As John Douglas, the famous profiler of violent criminals, said, "In all
my
years of research and dealing with violent offenders, I've never yet come
across
one who came from what I would consider a good background and functional,
supportive family unit."
The biological link we value with our parents only goes so far. It
can be
destroyed by the lack of the important elements of caring, love, and
protection.
You are an adult now. You have to weigh in your mind what position
in life your
mother holds.
As you make strides to move forward emotionally, you must decide how much
distance to place between you and your parent. Your mother may call
you
selfish, but trying to make you replace a dead relative, and holding a
hurt from
over half a century ago, is selfishness raised to the level of cruelty.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or
email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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