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Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 20, 2002
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
No Role Model
I am married with a boy, 3, and a girl, 2. My husband is in federal prison
and
is due to get out in May, 2004. I am currently going to college, which he
doesn't like. We weren't doing well before he went to jail two years ago.
After we married every time he didn't get his way he would threaten
divorce or
pretend he was going to commit suicide. He'd keep me up all night arguing
I
wasn't paying him enough attention. Even now he wants me to send him money
though I hardy have any. If I buy the kids anything, he gets mad because I
didn't think of him.
He says he loves me, but it seems only when I do what he wants else he has
divorce papers ready to go in his cell. If I divorce him, he threatens to
steal
the kids when he gets out and go into hiding. He threatens all kind of
things.
He has threatened to kill me in front of people.
He is a vengeful person when he doesn't get what he wants, and his friends
tell
me I am being a bad wife for not being there for him. I want to start my
life
over and help my kids. If I divorce him, how do I keep him away from the
kids?
I know in my mind I should have divorced him long ago, but my heart says
he is
the kids' father. Still, in my heart I can't believe anything he says. I
have
seen him at work. He is a con artist. I am doing everything I can to
survive
with two kids, but he doesn't care unless I am doing for him.
Aisha
Aisha, this man doesn't want you in college because he doesn't want you to
escape from him. He doesn't want your success, and he doesn't want your
children's success. He doesn't fit the definition of either a husband or a
father.
There are two ways to escape almost any problem: change the image or
change the
action. Right now you have an image of yourself as powerless. That is the
reverse of the true situation. His every movement is controlled by other
people, and he is locked in a steel cage. You are completely free.
You are the person with power. Contact with him is entirely within your
control. You can decide not to read his letters, not to talk to him, not
to
visit, and not to send him money. You can eliminate his bad friends from
your
life. What you say to authorities may even influence when he is released
from
prison.
Confer with experienced people at your local women's shelter or domestic
abuse
center and realistically evaluate how much of a threat he is. Then develop
an
appropriate strategy now and for the future. Talk to a lawyer about the
divorce
and get the wheels moving.
If you don't take action, then the problem lies deeper. Within you. Deeper
within you is where you must go.
Wayne & Tamara
Ahead Of Herself
I'm a 22-year-old woman, almost 23, considering marriage. I often try to
visualize my situation as a married person and visualize the future of my
children.
Growing up in different countries with people of a different culture, I
came to
feel attracted to men of another race. What is your opinion of interracial
marriage, and what are the psychological and emotional effects interracial
children experience?
Briana
Briana, you are looking for the solution to a problem you do not have. The
problem you currently have is finding the man who will love you for you,
for the
rest of your life. If that turns out to be a man of another race, then the
two
of you will decide on the environment which is best for you and your
children.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
http://www.WayneandTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or
email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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